LOS ANGELES, California – This weekend, a first-time director debuted a feature film to a large crowd at an independent film festival in East Los Angeles.

Early reviews showered the movie with praise. Critics hailed its original plot and poignant acting.

One critic wrote on her online blog, “That film will forever be etched in my memory. I don’t remember seeing anything like it in the history of Hollywood movies. And I’ve watched a lot of movies. Sadly, I don’t think I will see a movie like it ever again.”

The plot followed a group of noble Germans out to track down a pair of American fugitives. The Germans in the movie had no relations to the Nazis.

It marked the first time a white man had died on screen since Titanic (1993). Leonardo DiCaprio did not comment on the historic role, though sources say he didn’t leave his home for a few days.

No women in the movie found either white male fugitive in the slightest bit attractive.

Needless to say, when the women came into contact with the fugitives they did not sensually remove their clothing. Instead, they frantically bundled up, throwing on more layers, as if preparing for the coldest winter ever.

Moments after the credits rolled, the LAPD had the theater surrounded on all four sides. No moviegoers came out alive, for fear that they would spread this ideology to their friends and family members.

Their Twitter and Facebook accounts have been disabled.

The festival organizers were not in attendance at the screening, but people close to the festival organizers say that they will not hold the festival next year.

The critic who reviewed an earlier screener of the film was recently reported as missing. Her second husband woke up one morning to find her laptop and smartphone missing. She did not return home that evening.

Police are investigating her disappearance, although the police commissioner said that the department receives hundreds of cases each month and he was uncertain whether they had the resources to pursue this one.

One deputy said off the record that evidence suggests that critic ran off with one of the fugitives in the movie.

As of yet, no major Hollywood studio has put in a bid to distribute the film, though reportedly, many meetings have been held concerning how best to proceed with the film’s distribution and exhibition.

Germans have stood in line for days with the anticipation that tickets for the movie will go on sale any minute.

Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu have expressed no interest in the film.

Still, economists project that the movie, if released, will do well in states and districts that tend to vote Democratic. They also expect large box office receipts in foreign markets.


  1. LOL! LOL! LOL! You got me there. This is the most interesting article/review I have read, ever. I mean ever. Thanks Afiya X. Just the perfect way to call ’em out.


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